Ross O'Carroll-Kelly
The weekly Ross O'Carroll-Kelly column from The Irish Times, read by author Paul Howard. It features humorous and satirical stories about the fictional character Ross O'Carroll-Kelly, a rugby-playing, affluent South Dublin teenager. The podcast is hosted on Acast.
Episodes
‘So Westlife, huh? We’re all big fans in our gaff, aren’t we, Honor?’
I’m like, “Westlife?” And I say it like that as well. I’m there, “Why are you going to see Westlife? You always said–” Honor goes, “No, I didn’t. I actually like Westlife?” and she’s telling me to – yeah, no – shut the fock up with her eyes. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.
‘We’ve been trying to break them up, haven’t we? A year or two in the clink – he won’t wait for her’
The old man tells Hennessy that he has every faith in him. Hennessy’s like, “Wait a minute, what?” Yeah, no, we’re sitting in the District Court in Bray, waiting for Bernie’s case to be called. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.
Four Feds step into the kitchen. One of them is like, ‘Well, Bernie?’
“So, anyway, I tee’d off,” the old man goes, loving the sound of his own voice, “and of course I managed to slice the bloody-well ball and, well, naturally enough, it ended up in the lake!” Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.
‘I did the deed with the girlfriend of a very good friend and it’s been bothering my conscience lately’
JP looks well – even though I don’t know what to call him any more? I’m like, “So how are things – I don’t know – Father?” He actually laughs at that? He’s there, “Ross, you don’t have to call me Father.” I’m like, “What do I call you then?” because it’s my first time seeing the dude since he finished his studies to become an actual priest. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more informati
At the end of the summer, just like the rest of you, I’m sick of the sight of my children
I think I’m on the record as saying that being a parent is one of those things that I just happen to be very, very good at without having to put any actual effort into it. Even allowing for that, at the end of a long, hot summer, just like the rest of you, I’m absolutely sick of the sight of my children and I’m glad they’re now someone else’s problem until the end of October. Hosted on Acast
‘Your father’s playing golf in Doonbeg,’ Hennessy goes. ‘While the cat’s away, the mice will fornicate’
Hennessy is grinning like a dog trying to pass a laundry ball through its urinary tract. Yeah, no, for five days now, me and Bernie from Bray of all places have been – in fairness – texting each other, and the dude is reading through the exchanges, some of which are pretty, it might be a word, explicit? Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.
Charlie is serious about marrying this woman. You haven’t heard the worst of it yet. No prenup
Hennessy actually laughs when he sees me sitting at the bor with a pint of the old Dutch medicine in front of me. He’s like, “What the hell are you doing here?” Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.
‘Oh my God! Your dad’s new girlfriend has entered the Wicklow Pollock Queen competition!’
Everybody knows about the Dalkey Lobster Festival. It’s coming up in, like, two weeks’ time, and Sorcha is already practising her walk and wave for the Parade of Lobster Queens Past, wearing the sash and crown that she’s held onto ever since her victory in 2008, at the stort of the crash, on a platform of, I want to say, hope? Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.
‘My son has opened a museum celebrating criminality. I wish people would stop asking if I’m proud’
All of Ronan’s old mates are there. We’re talking Buckets of Blood. We’re talking Stacks of Money. We’re talking Nudger. We’re talking Gull. It’s actually Stacks of Money who sidles up to me as I’m watching Ronan across the room, chatting to Paul Reynolds from RTÉ. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.
The old man has a Tesco Clubcord. Jesus, it’s worse than I thought
The old man looks wretched. I say it to him as well. I’m like, “You look focking wretched – worse than usual" Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.
‘Wait a minute, are you telling me there’s a World Cup in soccer?’
“The fock is going on here?” I go. Because – yeah, no – I’ve arrived home to find my wife, my four sons and my in-laws sitting in front of the TV watching, quite literally, a soccer match? My reaction is basically the same as it would be if I arrived home to find Sorcha in bed with Russell Crowe. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.
‘Your accent is up and down like a focked umbrella,’ I tell the old man
So me and Ronan swing out to – believe it or not – Bray, just to see how my old man is getting on. I’ve a bet with him that he won’t last the summer living out there and I like to check on my investment from time to time. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.
‘I’m not giving that kid the money. Not a focking chance’
I absolutely despise Christian’s wife, Lauren. I say it as well. Not to her face obviously. Sorcha goes, “Ross, you shouldn’t despise anyone.” This coming from the girl who refuses to watch anything with Jake Gyllenhaal in it because he broke Taylor Swift’s hort a life sentence ago. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.
We filled a skip with all the things Sorcha decided she can live without, until she changed her mind
So the latest “thing” in our house is the Swedish death clean. For those of you who aren’t married to Sorcha Lalor, this is a decluttering method that’s meant to spare your loved ones the trouble of sorting through your shit after you’ve dropped the mic. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.
‘Nobody can say I haven’t put my body on the line for this Leinster team’
The old man says he thinks he might not live long enough to see Leinster win the European Cup again. I tell him I’m only 46 years old and I’m storting to feel the same way. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.
‘Ross, it’s a very simple choice. It’s me or it’s Leinster. You decide’
Sorcha says she’s – oh my God – so excited about Saturday and I tell her I am too. She goes, “These are the moments, aren’t they?” Which is random because she’s hasn’t shown the slightest flicker of interest in rugby since she thought Rob Kearney gave her a smile and a wave at Taste of Dublin the year before the pandemic and I didn’t have the hort to tell her that he was smiling and waving at me.
‘Ross, I think you’re finally getting your comeuppance from the universe’
So what do you think? Yeah, no, Nicola – as in, like, Honor’s girlfriend – is showing me a watch that she bought from, like, Tiffany of all places? It must be, like, a grand’s worth. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.
‘Dude, you’re not in Ballsbridge now,’ I tell the old man. ‘This is Las f**king Braygas!’
The old man asks me if I’ve been boning up on my Spanish ahead of the trip to Bilbao. I’m like, “Is that where Bilbao is? In Spain?” I honestly think I learned more from rugby than I ever did at school. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.
I have zero interest in her in that way – is it weird that I want to spend time with this girl?
So I’m in the gym and I’m bench-pressing, I don’t know, something ridiculous, when all of a sudden there’s someone standing over me and – yeah, no – they’re, like, talking to me? I take out the old AirPods and sit up and it ends up being Nicola, as in, like, Honor’s new – in fairness – girlfriend. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.
‘There’s nothing wrong with Bray, Ross,’ the old man says. Literally. Word for word
The old man is sitting in the corner of what was once Shanahan’s on the Green, sucking on a Cohiba the size of a Daihatsu exhaust. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.
‘Sorcha, I don’t need ChatGPT to tell me how to talk to my daughter and the girl she’s seeing’
Sorcha asks me how I’m feeling and I tell her I’m in scintillating form – especially after the win over Sale yesterday. I’m half-thinking of doing my joke about having a semi to look forward to – but then I think better of it. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.
‘Potatoes au gratin? My old dear used to say they’re for people with money but no class’
“Come in,” she goes.This is Bernie I’m quoting – word for word, by the way – as in, like, Bernie the mother of Claire from, like, Bray of all places? Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.
We’re driving through Donnybrook and Sorcha shouts ‘Stop!’
“Stop!” Sorcha goes. Yeah, no, we’re driving through Donnybrook at the time. I generally slow down anyway as we’re passing the spot where Kielys once stood, just to make the sign of the cross on myself. Except Sorcha is looking past me at the other side of the road? Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.
‘Ross,’ Sorcha goes, ‘we’re not going to Dubai. We cancelled because of the war.’ I’m there, ‘What war?’ and I genuinely mean it
The airport is absolutely rammers and I’m in – it has to be said – scintillating form, so much so that Sorcha actually remorks on it. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.
‘We’re losing, like, 32-0. The Blackrock first years are taking us aport’
I can’t believe it. I can’t believe this is actually happening? Yeah, no, you always try to think about worst case scenarios in your head – just so you have a plan in case something goes wrong – but this is beyond my, literally, worst nightmares. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.
‘I’m so full of myself this morning that I’m actually making myself sick’
This is me in my – yeah, no – absolute happy place. Castlerock College jersey with the collar popped. Rugby Tactics Book under my orm. The match against Blackrock College is just four days away and I have a plan to beat them. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.
‘There you go with the school rivalry thing again. You need to move on’
So it’s, like, 11 o’clock on Sunday morning and I’m hord at work – albeit still in bed – making notes in my famous Rugby Tactics Book. Sorcha walks into the room and goes, “Get dressed, Ross. We’re going out for lunch.” Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.
‘The woman is as C as M – as my old dear used to say. Common as muck’
“Kicker!” the old man has the actual nerve to go. “To what do I owe this pleasant surprise?” Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.
‘How embarrassing is it for me to have three kids who are absolutely focking useless at rugby?’
Sorcha says this is the worst thing I’ve ever done. And it’s far from it. I could give her a list of 50 things, except I doubt if it would help my cause. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.
The words every south Dublin rugby parent dreads: ‘Dad, I want to join the drama society’
There’s no sugar-coating this one. We’ve been taken to the literally cleaners today. Yeah, no, beaten 45-10 by – and there’s easy way of saying this – Wesley College, the same Wesley College who haven’t won a Leinster Schools Senior Cup since the world was in pretty much black and white. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.
‘I’ve never said a word about Bray that wasn’t 100% warranted’
I’m like, “A what?” And Honor goes, “A double date. It’s cute.” I’m there, “Whoa, whoa, whoa! Claire from Bray of all places–” Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.
‘We’re getting rid of the cor. Right focking now’
Joy Felton – yeah, no, one of our neighbours – is standing at the front gates as I swing the cor into the driveway and she nearly ends up with the BMW logo imprinted backwards across her, I want to say, midriff? Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.
‘What’s this about my old man being on the apps?’
A Prius pulls up at the next pump, just as I’m imagining what topics my pep talk would touch on, and suddenly I hear the driver say my name. She’s like, “Ross!” Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.
‘Dude, you’re going to have to choose between science and rugby’
So – yeah, no – I’m in the staffroom and I’m chatting to one or two teachers about the Leinster match against La Rochelle: Miss Casey, who teaches something-or-other, and Miss Nealon, who teaches, I don’t know, something else. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.
‘There’s a Londis in Foxrock? I’d say my old dear is turning in her–’
I’m packing away the last of the Christmas bits and – yeah, no – I’m throwing out the Advent calendar that someone sent me obviously as a joke. It’s a Blackrock College Advent calendar – which is the same as a regular Advent calendar, except that your daddy opens all of the doors for you! Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.
‘We’re going to run up the Sugar Loaf carrying rocks. Work through the pain barrier!’
“Okay,” I go, “today we’re going to work on one or two moves from this sacred text,” and I show the players my famous Rugby Tactics Book.There are no gasps from the kids, even though there are a lot of rugby coaches out there who would kill to get their hands on it.Yeah, no, they all just roll their eyes, probably pissed off at being asked to train in Herbert Pork on New Year’s Day....irishtimes.c
‘Elf went missing and Sorcha’s old man went loop-the-focking-loop. He actually rang the Gords’
Sorcha’s old dear has a scream on her like Wayne Bornes’s whistle. Sorcha’s old man is like, “What in the name of God?” and we all rush into the living room – we’re talking me, Sorcha and, like I said, her old man – to see her standing there with the famous Elf on the Shelf in her hand. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.
Christmas or no Christmas, I’m frankly disappointed by Sorcha’s lack of killer instinct
“Mee, meh, mah, moh, moo,” Sorcha goes – and not for the first time since we left Dublin. “Mee, meh, mah, moh, moo.” And I’m there, “Don’t worry – I’ll, em, let you know when that gets annoying.” She goes, “I’m doing my vocal exercises, Ross. This is a huge night for us.” Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.
The old man goes, ‘I’m sorry. I just can’t muster any enthusiasm for Christmas this year’
The old man says he doesn’t think he’ll bother with Christmas this year – “what with everything”. By which he means, what with it being the first one since the old dear – yeah, no – pegged it. Sorcha goes, “Oh my God, Chorles, Fionnuala was such a Christmas person. She’d want you to celebrate it.” Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.
‘We’re going to buy a sh**load of frozen turkeys - if there’s a shortage I can sell them for €500 each’
Sorcha is in her – literally? – element. She goes, “This is gorgeous, isn’t it?” This being the humungous Christmas morket in – believe it or not – Belfast. Honor’s there, “I still don’t understand what we’re even doing here?” And Sorcha’s like, “Honor, we may end up living in a united Ireland one day. And what do we know about our brothers and sisters from the North?” “They’re very angry,” Johnny
‘Ronan is hanging out with the absolute scum of the earth: my old man and Hennessy Coghlan-O’Hara’
Ronan shows up at the front door wearing a Santa hat and a big smile. I’m there, “What are you, drunk?” because I’m aware that the Ireland soccer team had some kind of result at the weekend. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.
‘Dude, if you insist on coaching Blackrock, you can forget about me being your best man’
Things have been a bit – yeah, no – strained between Christian and me ever since he got back with his ex-wife, Lauren. I told him straight out that he was Hertz Car Rental even thinking about going there again. But he asked her to marry him irregordless and then, in the first flush of their rediscovered love, she asked him – “tell me honestly, I won’t be angry” – what his friends thought of them g
‘It’s all right for you,’ Honor goes. ‘You can have any woman you want’
The front door slams and the entire orangerie – built without planning permission at the height of the Celtic Tiger – shakes to its foundations. Sorcha’s eyes meet mine. Ten seconds later we hear Honor’s bedroom door slam too and we both silently wonder whether the structure will stay standing for what’s left of our daughter’s teenage years. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more informat
‘I don’t like who my son has become since he started playing rugby. He’s full of himself’
The room is absolutely rammers and I’m listening outside the door as various randomers talk s, h, one, t, about me and my famous coaching methods. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.
‘There’s no such thing as academic-sporting balance. Not in schools that are serious about being winners’
There’s a meeting. That’s the big news of the day. I’m like, “What kind of a meeting?” And Fionn goes, “Ross, you’re not invited.” Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.
This is my son now – north Dublin’s leading wine snob
“Here, Rosser,” Ronan goes, pouring me a lorge glass of red, “get yisser laughing gear around that.” Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.
‘I’m not going to call you Mister anything,’ I tell the deputy principal, and the boys all stort sniggering
So – yeah, no – the kids are all standing around me in a semi-circle and they’re, like, hanging on my every word. And I’m in my absolute element, of course, going, “Today, I’m going to teach you guys a thing or two about passing this beautiful object,” showing them a rugby ball. “Now, can anyone here name some types of passes that we might use in rugby?” Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for
Honor’s date for the debs is a looker. She clearly takes after her old man in that regord
Sorcha is up to pretty much 90. It’s the night of Honor’s debs and we’re all waiting for her date, Iarlaith – yeah, no, a girl – to arrive. Sorcha’s old pair are here, as well as my old man, then 10 or 11 of Sorcha’s friends and half the Vico Road. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.
Ronan pours the wine and goes, ‘It’s a surprising little number with notes of candyfloss, anchovies and balsawood’
The street in front of the restaurant is absolutely rammers and I spot quite a few familiar faces – we’re talking former government ministers, we’re talking former High Court judges, we’re talking two or three former rugby internationals and one or two heads from RTÉ. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.
‘You were mugged in Dalkey? Things like that don’t happen there’
Sorcha lets out a scream when she sees me. It reminds me of the time during the recession when her BT loyalty cord was downgraded from Platinum to Electrum. It’s, like, high-pitched and – yeah, no – blood-curdling? Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.
‘I didn’t do a tap in school and yet life worked out pretty well for me’
This is me in my absolute element. I’m there, “Rugby is a sport in which you travel forwards by going backwards, in which to succeed is to ‘try’ and in which the ball is shaped with the actual intention of breaking your hort.” Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.
‘The old man running a restaurant is like asking me to teach physics through Irish’
Sorcha says she’s delighted for my old man. Yeah, no, as you may or may not have read in the pages of this paper, he and Hennessy Coghlan-O’Hara have bought Shanahan’s on the Green and are planning to reopen it in, like, two weeks’ time. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.
‘Rugby is the best idea we’ve ever come up with as a species,’ I go, channelling Fr Fehily
It’s finally here. A day I’ve dreamt about for, like, 12 years. Brian, Johnny and Leo are storting school in Castlerock College, where their old man famously went and his old man before him.irishtimes.com Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.
Sorcha goes, ‘The Dalkey Lobster Festival is this weekend. How am I going to show my face?’
“I remember when you got your Leaving Cert results,” Sorcha’s old man goes. “I don’t think I’ve ever been more proud of you, Dorling.” Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.
‘I think you should have a conversation with Honor about her drinking,’ Sorcha goes
So – yeah, no – we’re in the cor, on the way to the airport, to collect Honor, who’s coming home from her Leaving Cert holiday in, believe it or not, Magaluf. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.
‘I got thrun out of Amedica,’ Ronan goes. ‘Me visa was revoked’
So I’m walking around town with Ronan and – yeah, no – we’re playing a game we used to play when he was, like, eight years old: when we pass a shop or restaurant, he tells me whether it’s a real business or a money-laundering front. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.
When Honor drops the news, I sit there with my mouth open like someone from Roscommon seeing escalators for the first time
Sorcha tells Honor that she’s leaving it very late.Honor’s like, “What are you talking about?”And Sorcha goes, “I’m talking about the debs, Honor.”Honor’s there, “Not this again,” and she’s right because her old is like a dog with a chew toy. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.
The old dear made a seating plan for her own funeral. She didn’t want ugly people in the first three pews
Sorcha says I can’t wear those.And I’m like, “My Dubes? What’s wrong with my Dubes?”She goes, “You can’t wear Dubes to a funeral, Ross. Put a pair of actual shoes on.” Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.
I get this sudden flashback to when I was six or seven and I’d hold the wheel steady for the old dear while she drove home, half-cut
“Okay,” the old man goes, “here’s another one you, Kicker!” because – yeah, no – he’s written a book of his Fifty Years of Letters to The Irish Times, which Honor has helped pull together for him. “Listen to this one! Dear Madam. Whilst sorting through the vegetable tower in the kitchen the other morning, I discovered an oval-shaped tuber with a pale yellow flesh. Is this a record?”No one laughs –
The old dear goes, ‘Sorcha? I don’t know anyone of that name. Is she one of your tarts, Ross?’
The room is absolutely rammers and through the door I spot so many faces from the past. We’re talking Angela and Dermot from the campaign to move Funderland to the northside. We’re talking Ida and Clem from the campaign to stop the Luas from coming to Foxrock. We’re talking Lucy and Aednat from the campaign to stop poor people being allowed into the National Gallery. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com
Oisinn goes, ‘Dude, you’re saying goodbye. You do realise that? You’re saying goodbye to your old dear’
“What the fock?” Oisinn goes. “Are you serious?”I’m there, “Oh, I’m serious all right. I’m as serious as – well, you know what.”He goes, “A living funeral? Where did this idea even come from?" Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.
Brett goes, ‘She’s close to the end, Ross. I was thinking we should arrange a living funeral for her’
“He must have been in a fight last night,” Sorcha goes.And – yeah, no – she’s talking about my brother slash half-brother, Brett.I’m there, “Why do you say he was in a fight?”And she goes, “Oh my God, didn’t you see the bruises on his neck when he came home this morning?”Seriously, sometimes it’s like she was never young at all. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.
I’m always telling Sorcha to tone down the southside when we come out to Bray but she never listens
I’m like, “Bray?”And Sorcha’s there, “Yes, Ross – Bray!”I’m like, “But why do we have to go to Bray?” sounding like a spoiled child – in other words, one of ours.irishtimes.com Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.
‘I haven’t really been living before now,’ Brett tells his wife. ‘Ross has slept with more than 800 women’
So it’s, like, ridiculous o’clock on a Saturday morning – we’re talking nine, ten, something like that – and I hear a ring on the front doorbell, followed, a short time later, by the sound of a woman’s voice going, “Is this the home of Ross O’Carroll-Kelly?”irishtimes.com Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.
‘I’m not even a bit stressed,’ Honor goes, ‘I haven’t done a focking tap for these exams’
Sorcha thinks we should maybe check on Honor and there’s an air of definite excitement in her voice when she says it? Yeah, no, it’s the night before the stort of the Leaving Cert and my wife is absolutely determined that this should be one of those mother-daughter moments... Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.
He obviously decided that he’d wasted his life, focusing on career, marriage and family goals
Sorcha tells me that I need to do something and obviously, I’m like, “Er – as in?”Yeah, no, Angela – the wife of my brother slash half-brother – has been on the phone from the States and Sorcha is running out of excuses.... Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.
We’ve been through so much. I slept with two of JP’s ex-girlfriends, and Christian’s actual mother and even that didn’t break us up
“So this dude here,” Oisinn goes – and he means me, “he tucks the ball under his orm, beats five players and crosses the try-line under the posts. But he doesn’t ground the ball there. No, he puts it down in the corner to make the conversion horder for himself"... Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.
Honor goes, ‘People will talk about my speech for years to come. And that’s just in the libel courts’
My daughter is giving the valedictory at the Mount Anville graduation, and there’s a little something in it for everyone Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.
Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: ‘My old dear doesn’t have the embarrassment gene. It’s a South Dublin thing’
So – yeah, no – the old dear is in the swimming pool when we rock up to the nursing home, doing her – I don’t know – hydrotherapy exercises? She’s dancing to Shania Twain’s Man! I Feel Like a Woman! while holding a beach ball and she has singlehandedly cured me of my fetish for women in wet swimwear. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.
Honor is staring at Brett like he’s an ATM and she’s sitting in a JCB, trying to work the levers
Brett asks me what she was like when she was younger. I’m like, “Who?” He goes, “Our mother.” And it’s random because I’ve never thought of the old dear ever being – like he said – young. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.
‘That picture The Last Supper is weird. They’re all sitting on the same side of the table’
So – yeah, no – I grab a stick of Heinemite from the fridge and I ask Sorcha, “Who’s the kid in the bow tie?” The reason I ask is because I don’t trust kids in bow ties. I’m on the record as saying that putting a bow tie on any human being turns him straight away into an insufferable dickhead. We’re talking nightclub bouncers. We’re talking wine waiters. We’re talking clowns. Hosted on Acast. See
Honor goes, ‘I’m editing the school yearbook photographs of anyone who pissed me off’
Honor is sitting at her computer doing fock knows what? Although I’d be shocked if it was homework. I’m there, “Honor, I need you to brace yourself – for some news.” Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.
‘Imagine no possessions. I wonder if you can,’ the old dear sings. Her earrings cost more than my cor
She’s sitting in the window of the, whatever you want to call it, nursing home, playing the piano – badly, I might add – and I get a sudden flashback to my childhood. This is what she did whenever we had, like, visitors coming to the gaff. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.
‘I most certainly do have an American accent,’ I tell my supposed half-brother. ‘I’m from south Dublin’
For, like, 30 seconds, I’m as quiet as Thomond Pork since 2019 and the dude ends up having to repeat himself. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.
Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: ‘I hate my children too. Like, how could three kids of mine turn out to be such dicks?’
So it’s, like, Paddy’s Day and me and the goys have arranged to go for our usual walk on Killiney Hill with the kids. They’re already waiting for us in the cor pork – we’re talking JP with little Isa, we’re talking Fionn with Hillary, we’re talking Christian with Ross Junior and Oliver and we’re talking Oisinn with little Paavo. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.
Most schools fear Hennessy Coghlan-O’Hara like they would a typhoid outbreak
Honor says she’s not worried. She says she couldn’t give two focks. But Sorcha’s like, “Well, you’d better give two focks. This is a serious matter. A head girl has never been expelled, Honor – not in the 170-year history of this school.” Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.
I’m there to Honor, ‘You’ve never been good at school. I always thought you took after me’
“The fock is this?” I go. Yeah, no, I’m doing the morning school run, crawling up Trees Road in a procession of all-terrain vehicles, like an invading ormy, when Honor hands me a piece of paper. She goes, “It’s, like, my results – from, like, my mocks? Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.
‘I haven’t come here today to listen to you badmouth my mother – the axe-faced old trout'
Conor Hession sits on the terrace, nursing a vodka lorge enough to put a grizzly bear to sleep. He’s like, “She was quite the most conniving, the most calculating, the most manipulative person I’ve ever met. And completely devoid of human feeling, of course.” Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.
‘My old dear said you had a kid together. Well, I’m its half-brother. Or half-sister if it’s a girl’
Sorcha rings me and there’s an air of, like, panic in her voice? She goes, “Ross, where are you?” Yeah, no, we’re in Portugal for midterm – along with the rest of south Dublin – and I’m on the road from Quinta do Lago to Vilamoura. Although I don’t tell her that. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.
‘Only cheat with someone who’s married. It’s the principle of mutually assured destruction’
Sorcha goes, “This is exciting, isn’t it, Ross?” because – yeah, no – we’re having dinner in Iguazu, a new hipster restaurant on Camden Street, where there’s no actual menu and an algorithm chooses what you’re going to eat based on the answers you provide to 10 questions when you’re booking. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.
